| Big J's Joke Page.... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Lesser Known merges: 1. OK, I just read that Xerox and Wurlitzer Were going to merge. They are going to make reproductive organs. 2.A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell computers. Rumor has it the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild. 3.There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called Polly-Warner-Cracker. 4.There has long been a rumor that W.R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Buisness Systems. This would result in the new mega-corparation HaleMary-Fuller Grace. Others in the works: 5.3M and Goodyear = mmmgood 6.John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi 7.Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, Im Home 8.Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine 9.3M & JC Penny & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penny Opera 10.Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants 11.Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW! 12.Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do-Da TITANIC A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did each trick. Once he understood, he started shoting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat!""Look, he is hideing the flowers under the table.""Hey why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another went by. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: " OK, I give up. Where's the boat? DAMN DOG A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young he'd been seeing for sometime. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and bye the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he coulden't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped."SPOT!" called the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young mans feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "SPOT!"she called out sharply. "I've got it made." thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "DAMN IT SPOTT" shrieked the mother. Get over here before he shits GATOR SHOES A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shop-keepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" THE SMARTER SEX A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neigher of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car iscompletely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." GRANDMA One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask,"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." TEST YOUR SELF Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo's: 1. The whole thing all at once 2. One bite at a time 3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite 4. In little feverous nibbles 5. Dunked in liquid (milk, coffee...) 6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie 7. Twisted apart, the inside, toss the cookie 8. Just the cookie, not the inside 9. Just like to lick then, not eat them 10. Don't have a favorite way because you don't like Oreos YOUR PERSONALITY: 1. The whole thing: This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 2. One bite at a time: You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's OK, not to worry, you're normal. 3. Slow and methodical: You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in evey detail with everything you do to the point of being retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going the speed limit. 4. Feverous nibbles: Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 5. Dunked in liquid: Everyone likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, then toss the cookie: You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's OK....you don't care.....you got yours. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside: You enjoy pain. 9. Just like to lick them, not eat them: Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medicat help - immediately. 10. Don't have a favorite way because you don't like Oreos: You probably came from a rich family and like to wear nice things and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There is just no pleasing you. LOOK OUT Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!! MONTANA GRIZZLY BEAR NOTICE In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper. JACK SCHITT The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can handle this situation with confidence! Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dum Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt- Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it... The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree. ONE-LINERS OF WISDOM A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Why are they called "buildings," when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builds"? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar-but when a jar is open, it's not a door? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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I did a report on toothpaste. I found out that it was invented in the south. Alabama I think........Ya if it was invented in the north it would be called teethpaste. | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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